:)

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

Two great European narcotics, alcohol and Christianity.


Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

When a naked man is chasing a woman through an alley with a butcher knife and a hard-on, I figure he isn't out collecting for the Red Cross. -- Clint Eastwood (Dirty Harry, 1971)

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. - Homer Simpson

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.


When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way

Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.

What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?

"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

In God we trust; all others must pay cash.

Who are you and how did you get in here? Frank: I'm a locksmith. And... I'm a locksmith...

If there is a "WILL", there are 500 relatives.

Whatever it is -- I didn't do it!

"Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

:)